When your fears are bigger than your dreams, there is a problem.
Over the last few years, that has been the case for me. I’ve talked and talked about taking this journey, yet been too afraid to do anything about it. So many questions and worries. How would I do it? What if I fail? How will I make money? What will my son think? I thought of all the excuses and yet at the same time planned everything – which amounted to paralysis by analysis.
Who would sponsor me? How would I figure out who the contact was? What could I deliver to them in exchange for sponsorship? What if I failed and let them down? What if my body failed me and I couldn’t continue the journey and what about my commitments to sponsors? What if???
Yet never did I think, or say, “what if I succeed?” You see, I was my own worst enemy. It’s ironic that I coach friends on tackling challenges and being positive about succeeding and here I was paralyzed. I coach people to take little steps and enjoy small successes and yet, I couldn’t make a single step forward for myself.
Selling my HOME!
In mid-January, I faced those fears and called my Realtor. You see, I was at the end of the proverbial rope. Significant, and meaningful, employment continued to allude me and it was only getting worse. I decided that the universe was really trying hard to tell me that I was on the wrong path. More like I admitted to myself that I had been avoiding this for too long.
For 10 days I purged, sold items, painted, and cleaned my condo. I relied on my 5.5 years of experience as a Realtor and did what was necessary to prep and stage my place for sale. At the same time, I started to meditate. This was something that I suggested to everyone whom I coached to do; yet I wasn’t doing it myself. I had promised my Realtor I would be ready in 10 days, and I was. You see, I couldn’t fall back on excuses like I might have in the past. I made a commitment and I stuck to it.
When we signed the listing on the Friday morning, I told my Realtor we would sell it that weekend, for almost full price, with no real conditions, and it would close on April 1. She laughed and said that would be amazing. I could tell she wasn’t quite a believer – lol. Yet the next afternoon … it was pretty much a done deal and closing on March 31. She’s a believer now! Whether you believe it was luck or manifesting doesn’t really matter. The fact is that I kept moving forward every day with one goal in mind; to sell my condo and sell it fast. That happened and I had less that 3 weeks to sell everything and put the things I wanted to keep, into storage. It was a whirlwind and a couple times I didn’t think I was going to make it AND have the place cleaned for possession day.
Suddenly, I was homeless. Literally, I sat in my car and thought, “Crap, now what?!” I had no plan! I had an idea of an idea of a plan, but that was it. So I hit the road and went to visit my son for a few days and then on the way back to Calgary made a few stops to test out this ‘sleep in my car’ plan. It was fraught with bad planning – lol. Sleep in the driver seat? Nope, try the passenger seat. Yup, that was better. What about the back seat? Nope, not at all, that was a bad idea. What about eating? How do I store food? Oy, this is going to be more complicated than I thought. I better stay in a hotel for a night and get some sleep as I’m starting to lose it: mentally and emotionally. For a moment late one night, I realized I couldn’t just go home if there was nothing to photograph this time … and I cried, a lot. I was terrified! I really needed that hotel and a good sleep. I turned out I needed 14 hours of sleep and two nights to get my bearings back and my confidence. Lack of sleep does a real number on your; note to self!
Back to Calgary to pick up my new laptop and wrap up a few things. Thankfully I had friends that would put me up while I was in town. Several nights of good sleep, lots of running around, and I was ready to try this again. I stopped in to see my chiro and his directive was to find a better place to sleep as whatever I was doing was doing a serious number on my spine. I had feared that but ignored it as I didn’t want my body to be the reason I quit, or was forced to quit. However, he was right and so I reached out my best friend and fiercest supporter, my son. Amid his university exams, he dug in and found a truck for me in Lethbridge. Away I went and hung out in Lethbridge for three days looking at, agreeing to purchase, and finally getting the truck. I now had the truck I wanted and a big backseat to sleep in.
My target start date of May 1st was knocking on the door. I had a couple days in Kelowna to help my son clean the house he and his friends were renting and then he was headed home to Calgary and I was headed West to Tofino. This was to be my Westerly starting point. So here I sit in the back of my truck, listening to the rain falling on my roof, and writing this. I have one more day and I am so far behind in where I had ‘planned’ to be. I don’t have the blog posts already posted to give me some ‘street cred’, I don’t have my new IG feed topped up, and and and … but it doesn’t matter. I’m still moving forward and more importantly, I got to spend some time with my son which is more important than any ‘start date’ that I may have imposed on myself. I don’t have the pitch documents off to sponsors that I hoped to have done. The projects I had envisioned aren’t unfolding as I had ‘planned’ but that’s ok, I’ll come up with new ones.
I’m forcing myself to plan, but not so rigid that I stop moving forward because they won’t work. Now, I’m adjusting and rolling with the challenges. I still have way too many moments of terror. I’m still fighting the fear of failure; it’s been part of my psyche my whole life so I know not to beat myself up over the speed, or lack thereof, of which I am moving forward. Just keep moving forward. Never looking back. I’m noticing that if I don’t find the time to meditate, I get further off balance so that’s something I need to put some extra effort in to.
Well, it’s April 29th and I’m 36 hours away from the ‘official’ start to my journey. I guess I should tell you what the ‘plan’ is 🙂